Thursday, February 23, 2006

A very old poem (about three years, or maybe more)

The moments before sleep I welcome death
For sleep is death, but only partial death
It is not really for me to say
I lay down on the bed after a day of physical activity
Arms sprawled to my side, limp
This is remarkably death-like
Please G-d keep my soul within its physical container
Only so that I may rise tomorrow
Afford another 24 hours by which I can bring Your Presence into this world
Let me be Your slave
Oh perfectly just Master
You put food on my table
You calm my emotions
You make me burn like fire
You control my inhibitions
You lead me with the yetzer hatov
You bring good my way
Please make those close to me happy and right in their ways
Let this world be ripe for the picking
Those who hate me, they hate me for wicked reasons
Deal with them justly Hashem
Just as You deal with me
Keep my head high as they whip me from the sides
I hate them sometimes Hashem, calm my hate, for if I hate them
Then I worship them, and I only desire to worship You
I cannot love those who hate me, I will destroy them
If You don’t stop me
We have a job in this world, so many have fallen from it
Turned their face away from their task
Those who hate us tempt us with the tendency to defend ourselves
I want to break the teeth of those who hate me
I feel no compassion for them
I want to smash them
But I only believe in You
We cannot defend ourselves Hashem
Only You can defend us
Break them G-d, smash them G-d, in that eloquent way that only You know how
For I will go after their souls like a dog at a neck, You will preserve them and save them
I am a murderer Hashem
I do not want to murder
Before I sleep
I welcome death on my bed
If I arise with the sun
Is entirely in Your hands
What is left for me to do except hand over my soul to You?
If You preserve the evil, then I trust You will preserve me, despite my shortcomings
And horrible mistakes
Like a friend who holds your precious belongings for you until you can retrieve them
You hold my soul in those hours of the night
I trust You fully with it
Cover me with this black blanket
Droop the lids over my eyes
Let me see nothing of this world
I prepare myself for partial loss of lifeAdon Olam

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